Do me a flavour?
A review of the new Walkers range, in full, without a picture as i feel ill.
BUILDER'S BREAKFAST:
You know when you've had a fried egg sandwich, and four hours later you belch and it tastes of sulphur? Well combine that with the distant memory of an unclean rimmed anus. That's them that is.
CAJUN SQUIRREL & HOISIN DUCK:
Dear Mr and/or Mrs Walkers.
I have been a career crisp eater for my entire life, i have only previously failed to finish one bag of said comestibles in my entire thirty eight (almost) years. That was a packet of lamb&mint Tudor specials in 1993, they tasted like toothpaste and vomit. These two flavours were worse, you may aswell have come up with ringpiece & babyshit and dogg egg & corpse flavours. You cunts.
Yours sincerely
C Coxall Esq
CHOCOLATE & CHILLI:
One bite brings potential, there's something more to these! The second brings disappointment at walkers for succumbing to the kind of whacky shitehouse idea that timmy mallett would rule out for fear of looking like too much of an aching bellend. The crisp equivalent of a novelty disney tie.
ONION BHAJI:
I am hideously addicted to these and daily see the look of disgust on the face of the man in the corner shop as i shamefully buy two bags when i get my tabs in.
FISH & CHIPS:
Like being spoken to by a friend you don't like who has no idea of personal space. He breathes into your nose, you can smell the distant lingering aroma of your own sainted mother's mimsy. Deeply deeply unpleasant.
These are the votes from the Hitchin jury.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Thursday, 15 January 2009
MARTIN CLUNES
I will hunt you down Dumbo you mingebracket!
There's been a bit of a cock up on the casting and scheduling front!
So Big Ears Clunes is going to be Reggie Perrin is he? If this fat lipped dribbling gormless lumpen talent vacuum thinks he's got the chops to pull it off, then i am the most incredibly macho man you've ever fucking seen. BBC, i will hunt you all down for this*, luckily for Clunes, even at my most stealthy and ninja like, he'd be able to hear me coming from about twenty kilometers away. Utter, utter cunts! Every man jack of 'em!
This has made me too angry to do anything at all yesterday, normal service will resume tomorrow, and lengthier, better, ranting skillz.
as you were
*obviously, i didn't get where i am today by making idle internet based threats and ACTUALLY carrying them out. I'm far too much of a lazy fucknut!
There's been a bit of a cock up on the casting and scheduling front!
So Big Ears Clunes is going to be Reggie Perrin is he? If this fat lipped dribbling gormless lumpen talent vacuum thinks he's got the chops to pull it off, then i am the most incredibly macho man you've ever fucking seen. BBC, i will hunt you all down for this*, luckily for Clunes, even at my most stealthy and ninja like, he'd be able to hear me coming from about twenty kilometers away. Utter, utter cunts! Every man jack of 'em!
This has made me too angry to do anything at all yesterday, normal service will resume tomorrow, and lengthier, better, ranting skillz.
as you were
*obviously, i didn't get where i am today by making idle internet based threats and ACTUALLY carrying them out. I'm far too much of a lazy fucknut!
Monday, 12 January 2009
BERNIE ECCLESTONE
Pint sized pisspot motorsport despot!
Doughnut shown, actual size. Serving suggestion.
You've even stolen Anne Widdecombe's hair you microscopic myopic mentalist.
as you were pissflappers
Doughnut shown, actual size. Serving suggestion.
You've even stolen Anne Widdecombe's hair you microscopic myopic mentalist.
as you were pissflappers
GARY RHODES
Flat topped food rapist and theramin voiced titbush!
Must......stroke.....foods.....inapropriately!
Dear Mr Rhodes, kindly refrain from showing the kind of sexual attention that should be shown to your wife, to lettuce leaves, porcini mushrooms and langustines. This kind of creepy food rapery is not what i'm pressganged into paying my license fee for! Next time you're unfortunate enough to see the Kid'n'Play/Ray Reardon cross pollination haired whiney fingernails on chalk voiced kitchen poltroon, watch his hands. It's almost Nosferatu like the way he caresses and places the food on the plate, he doesn't want to eat it, he wants to fuck it, HARD! It just puts appalling images in my already weakened mind of Rhodes with his slender elongated member sliding forcefully in and out of a potato salad. And as for that hair! What the christing jebus is that? Is it a Kid'n'Play homage? Does he secretly want to cater for appalling 80's Harlem house parties, doing the running man with a selection of forest fruits crammed under his foreskin and drizzled with a raspberry couli?
Please make him stop before he bums my fridge and sucks off my fruit bowl.
as you were clambakes
Must......stroke.....foods.....inapropriately!
Dear Mr Rhodes, kindly refrain from showing the kind of sexual attention that should be shown to your wife, to lettuce leaves, porcini mushrooms and langustines. This kind of creepy food rapery is not what i'm pressganged into paying my license fee for! Next time you're unfortunate enough to see the Kid'n'Play/Ray Reardon cross pollination haired whiney fingernails on chalk voiced kitchen poltroon, watch his hands. It's almost Nosferatu like the way he caresses and places the food on the plate, he doesn't want to eat it, he wants to fuck it, HARD! It just puts appalling images in my already weakened mind of Rhodes with his slender elongated member sliding forcefully in and out of a potato salad. And as for that hair! What the christing jebus is that? Is it a Kid'n'Play homage? Does he secretly want to cater for appalling 80's Harlem house parties, doing the running man with a selection of forest fruits crammed under his foreskin and drizzled with a raspberry couli?
Please make him stop before he bums my fridge and sucks off my fruit bowl.
as you were clambakes
Friday, 9 January 2009
CRISTIANO RONALDO
Step over, step over, step over, flounce, flounce, pout!
Smugness thy name is Cristiano.
Oh noes! Football! Yes, yes, stop your whining you maggots, not everyone on the internets masturbates over the wire and battlecock galacticanus you know, other things exist! Once in a while a footballer comes along who is so unashedly smug that punchable is simply not enough of a description of their face. I could build a glove made of lead, filled with mercury, with claw hammers, awls, syringes full of hydrochloric acid and panda piss, frag grenades, porcupines and chainsaws attatched to the outside, and it would still not have enough punching power to do enough damage to the chinless pock-marked show pony's charmless pouty fizzog. Not even the legendary George Foreman Cuntpuncher has enough clout!Is it the fancy Flatley-esque footwork, making him look like a riverdancing baby giraffe, or the petulant huffing and puffing when things don't go his own way? Is it the diamond fucking earring? Is it the swaggering sub Cantona goal celebrations? (well, no, in that case, what makes Manure's celebrations so fucking irritating is that you can guarantee that within secomds of a celebration starting Rio "face out of the simpsons" Ferdinand will pile ontop and gurn like a fingered simian into the camera, the cunt!) Then surely it must be something to do with the modelling, the hollyoaks lingerie model girlfriend? NOPE! It's the fact, at this particular moment, that he can write off a ferrari, and still fucking live! Where's the justice in this world? There is no God!
Let him fuck off to Real Madrid, the join the dots faced rubber necked spazzpanel.
as you were flesh pittas
Smugness thy name is Cristiano.
Oh noes! Football! Yes, yes, stop your whining you maggots, not everyone on the internets masturbates over the wire and battlecock galacticanus you know, other things exist! Once in a while a footballer comes along who is so unashedly smug that punchable is simply not enough of a description of their face. I could build a glove made of lead, filled with mercury, with claw hammers, awls, syringes full of hydrochloric acid and panda piss, frag grenades, porcupines and chainsaws attatched to the outside, and it would still not have enough punching power to do enough damage to the chinless pock-marked show pony's charmless pouty fizzog. Not even the legendary George Foreman Cuntpuncher has enough clout!Is it the fancy Flatley-esque footwork, making him look like a riverdancing baby giraffe, or the petulant huffing and puffing when things don't go his own way? Is it the diamond fucking earring? Is it the swaggering sub Cantona goal celebrations? (well, no, in that case, what makes Manure's celebrations so fucking irritating is that you can guarantee that within secomds of a celebration starting Rio "face out of the simpsons" Ferdinand will pile ontop and gurn like a fingered simian into the camera, the cunt!) Then surely it must be something to do with the modelling, the hollyoaks lingerie model girlfriend? NOPE! It's the fact, at this particular moment, that he can write off a ferrari, and still fucking live! Where's the justice in this world? There is no God!
Let him fuck off to Real Madrid, the join the dots faced rubber necked spazzpanel.
as you were flesh pittas
Thursday, 8 January 2009
NIRVANA FANS
Specifically the txt spk pissflap nadbuckets on youtube.
I just wanna feel his pain, Curt rocked you fagit!
Those who are unfortunately familiar with the shite i churn out will probably be aware of the short and shite animation, "Kurdt Kobain in 10 seconds" that i made a couple of years ago or so. Ever since i threw it onto you tube (and thanks to a B3ta newsletter link) it's had a stupid amount of hits, mostly it would seem, from 13 year old omnitards from backwoods america who worship the slack brained loose jawed bag of suicidal self pitying cackjuice that was Kurdt Kobain. If you've seen it, then go back and have a look through the comments, if you haven't, then ignore the waste of 14 seconds that is the "film" and have a browse through the minds of malcontent septic (predominantly, judging by the spelling and homophobia) youth!
Browse the opinions of children with obsessive cuntpulsive disorder!
The main dipshit nonces love to repeatedly offer death threats or the offer of money for my death! It's fucking hilarious! Every morning there are at least 3 fresh frenzied illiterate keyboard mashes from kids who should be playing with toys rather than the concept of their place in the universe through the medium of a dead smack bag, and i fucking love them all for it! Infact their ramblings are so hilarious i don't even have to bother to try and write anything, just have a look, it's a mindfuck of brain wrong on a superb scale.
I'd be worried, but i don't think their mums will let them out after 5pm, and all sharp objects are locked away so they can't play noughts and crosses on their forearms.
Go feed on the minds of imbecilic pre-pubescent self loathing and dead junkie worship!
as you were
I just wanna feel his pain, Curt rocked you fagit!
Those who are unfortunately familiar with the shite i churn out will probably be aware of the short and shite animation, "Kurdt Kobain in 10 seconds" that i made a couple of years ago or so. Ever since i threw it onto you tube (and thanks to a B3ta newsletter link) it's had a stupid amount of hits, mostly it would seem, from 13 year old omnitards from backwoods america who worship the slack brained loose jawed bag of suicidal self pitying cackjuice that was Kurdt Kobain. If you've seen it, then go back and have a look through the comments, if you haven't, then ignore the waste of 14 seconds that is the "film" and have a browse through the minds of malcontent septic (predominantly, judging by the spelling and homophobia) youth!
Browse the opinions of children with obsessive cuntpulsive disorder!
The main dipshit nonces love to repeatedly offer death threats or the offer of money for my death! It's fucking hilarious! Every morning there are at least 3 fresh frenzied illiterate keyboard mashes from kids who should be playing with toys rather than the concept of their place in the universe through the medium of a dead smack bag, and i fucking love them all for it! Infact their ramblings are so hilarious i don't even have to bother to try and write anything, just have a look, it's a mindfuck of brain wrong on a superb scale.
I'd be worried, but i don't think their mums will let them out after 5pm, and all sharp objects are locked away so they can't play noughts and crosses on their forearms.
Go feed on the minds of imbecilic pre-pubescent self loathing and dead junkie worship!
as you were
JEREMY CLARKSON
But he's so funny!
No he's not, he's a potato headed, pube haired belm conduit who mistakenly believes that preposterously ill informed opinions are facts. Blustering wankhatted shitboxer.
as you were
No he's not, he's a potato headed, pube haired belm conduit who mistakenly believes that preposterously ill informed opinions are facts. Blustering wankhatted shitboxer.
as you were
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